Yesterday morning was the time I had decided to write the words of hope to share with you here. The problem was that I hadn't been feeling very hopeful lately. I was battling with extreme loneliness for Ty and was really struggling with my worth, my purpose and a reason to be here. Honestly and selfishly, I just wanted to be home in heaven with Jesus and Ty. In other words, I was very discouraged and feeling sorry for myself. Even amidst the discouraging times, I do know that one of the reasons I'm still here is to share my heart with others. In hearing that I don't have it all together and sometimes feel alone and like God is not listening, I hope that others will be encouraged knowing that we all struggle, but that we have a Savior who brings hope!
So... in this frame of mind, I ask the Lord to help me to know what He wanted me to share. As I read in His Word and through my journals, I seemed to only become more anxious and confused. Nothing seemed to be coming together. I thought, "Lord, you know I can't write without your help. I'm not getting any clear direction from You. Are you sure I'm still supposed to be doing this?" Then Satan started or maybe I should say he continued (remember, he was already getting me to question my worth and purpose) his attacks of "Why do you even try? You know you're not good at this. You're not a writer--everyone else does a better job. This always takes you out of your comfort zone--why not avoid that and just quit?"
Satan knows each of us so well and knows exactly how to bring us down. He knows that if he can get us discouraged that we will not be effective in sharing the hope of Jesus because we won't be hopeful ourselves. Well, that's where I was. I knew I needed to call a friend to pray for me but almost didn't do that because Satan had me feeling like no one would care; that I should just get a grip and wasn't I always the one who told everyone to just trust and believe God's promises? I finally told Satan to shut up and pushed send so the call would go through. Friends are so wonderful. My friend spoke truth to my despairing heart and Satan's lies crumbled! She suggested that I just set the blog aside and do something else like maybe take a walk. So that's what I did after she prayed for me.
As my dog Shea and I walked, I chose to talk to Jesus even though I didn't really feel like it. As I walked and talked with Jesus, He revealed something to me. Many times it's easier for me to believe my feelings than to believe the truth and promises in His Word. My feelings (or thoughts) seem to shout so much louder. Is that true for you too? Again, Satan's greatest tool is discouragement, and he usually does that through lies and attacks on our character. Satan is also so good at bringing up past mistakes and failures as well as trying to get me to focus on my feelings of loneliness for Ty so that I feel sorry for myself instead of rejoicing in the many blessings I still have.
Anyway, the walk was very helpful and Jesus also brought to mind a song that will be perfect to share with you too. He also revealed to me that when I tried to write the blog earlier that I hadn't really been resting in Him. I was more concerned with getting it written according to "my schedule" not His. His plan was for me to wait on Him for His timing which didn't come until this morning. In the meantime, He gave me the words of hope that He wanted me to share as I chose to rest in Him and quit striving on my own!
Those first words of hope came last night before I went to bed. He led me to Psalm 27:13,14.
"I am still confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Resting involves waiting many times and as the life application commentary from my Bible says: "Waiting for God is not easy. Often it seems that He isn't answering our prayers or doesn't understand the urgency of our situation. That kind of thinking implies that God is not in control or is not fair. But God is worth waiting for.
Lamentations 3:24-26 calls us to hope in and wait for the Lord because often God uses waiting to refresh, renew, and teach us. Make good use of your resting/waiting times by discovering what God may be trying to teach you in them. I ask the Lord to continue to teach me in this time of resting and waiting.
Then this morning I chose to rest in Him, even though I still didn't feel very hopeful, and ask Him to teach me from His Word. He led me first to Psalm 88 verses 1 and 2.
"O Lord, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you. May my prayer come before you, turn your ear to my cry."
I mentioned earlier about being lonely for Ty. It will be two years since he went home to heaven on October 17. I battle with those thoughts that say I shouldn't battle the grief and loneliness anymore; that I should rejoice for the 28 years of marriage that we had instead of mourning the years that I wish we could have had. Again, Jesus knew He needed to remind me and others that it's okay to express our hearts, hurts and despair to Him. He understands and sees every tear. The life application commentary says:
"Grief and depression take time to heal. No matter how low we feel, we can always take our problems to God and express our anguish to Him."
Won't heaven be wonderful when there will no longer be grief and discouragement?
God continued to remind me of the importance of continuing to run to Him even when we don't feel like it. Psalm 86:7 says:
"In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me."
That's what He was doing now as I went to His Word--reminding me of His faithfulness. Then to Psalm 86:17
"Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me."
Again, the commentary: "It is right to pray for a sign of God's goodness. As David found, it may be just what we need. But let us not overlook the signs he has already given: the support of family and friends, the fellowship of other Christians, the light of each new day. And we can be confident that He knows our situation no matter how desperate it becomes, and He cares."
He had shown me His goodness through the help of my friend as well as His care by taking me back to the hope in His Word. He always knows exactly what we need!
I know this is getting long -- you may need to take a break and get a yummy cup of coffee before you read the rest! Jesus had one more passage to encourage us to put to death Satan's lie that God can't use us because of the failures and mistakes of our past. I Timothy 1:12-14 says:
"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that He considered me faithful, appointing me to His service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus."
From the life application commentary: "People can feel so guilt-riden by their past that they think God could never forgive and accept them. But consider Paul's past. He had scoffed at the teachings of Jesus and had hunted down and murdered God's people before coming to faith in Christ. God forgave Paul and used Paul mightily for His kingdom. No matter how shameful your past, God also can forgive and use you. We will experience times of failure. But we can remain confident that Christ will help our faith and love grow as our relationship with Him deepens. Paul's prayer for the Philippians applies to us also: 'He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus'." (Philippians 1:6)
So there you have it. Like Paul, I have made many mistakes in my past and much of my focus was on myself and pursuing the things of the world rather than on Jesus. Even though I knew Jesus, I tried to find peace and hope in things and other people more than in Him alone. Only He can satisfy our lonely hearts and meet our every need. It would be wonderful if we could live every minute triumphant in Him, but we can't. Until heaven, we will have times of discouragement and despair when our feelings seem to shout so much louder than God's promises to us, but we can choose to persevere, to run to His Word, read and rest in His promises and bask in His never-ending love for us.
Worship and Praise Him as you listen to the song: "Your Grace Still Amazes Me." I pray that you will find rest and peace in His amazing love for you.
