As the theme this month for the lovelybranches.org blogs is on 'Serving God and Serving Others', I believe that in order to do that we, as followers of Jesus Christ, need to be more open with our struggles and battles. In doing so, we can then serve each other by praying with and for each other and be reminded that we're not alone and we're not crazy like Satan wants us to believe. I'll share with you a journal entry of one of those "battle" days.
A very tough morning. My feelings say, "I hate myself." I hate my sin. I hate battling the same sins over and over. I just want to give up. It's so much harder being a committed follower of Jesus Christ than how it was when I just tacked Jesus on to "my life" and "my agenda." I think this is the 1st time I have ever said to the Lord, "I hate myself." I am thankful for you Lord and love talking to you and listening to your Words to me in the Bible, but I have been so lonely lately for another human to hear my heart and to tell me that I'm not crazy (like Ty used to do). It just takes me so long to make decisions and when I do I second guess myself. I am less patient with others as well as myself recently. I'm reading and studying God's Word as well as crying out to Him and yet...I continue to battle the same things. I read Hebrews 12 and 13 this morning reminding me that God will never forsake me, that I need to endure hardship as discipline, that I need to continue to keep my eyes on Jesus, and that He will equip me with everything I need to do His will. The life application commentary said: "God works in us to make us the kind of people that would please Him, and He equips us to do the kind of work that would please Him. Let God change you from within and then use you to help others. Hebrews is a call to Christian maturity. Christian maturity means making Christ the beginning and end of our faith. To grow in maturity, we must center our lives on Him, not depending on religious ritual, not falling back into sin, not trusting in ourselves, and not letting anything come between us and Christ. Christ is sufficient and superior!" My heart is hurting, Lord. I know that I have nothing to complain about--that I am blessed in so many ways--that I don't have the struggles that Job had or that Joni Eareckson Tada has, etc..., but I still am weary of this life, of my failures and my sin. A part of me wants to go back to when I was blinded to all the sin in my life because then Satan left me alone, but I also didn't have the peace, joy and contentment either which I wouldn't trade for anything so I'm choosing to do what I just re-read from a previous entry in my journal: "Endure for today--hang tough--don't give up--don't give in--don't feel sorry for yourself. The testing of your faith produces endurance. Obey God right now. You have grace for today, fresh grace for every hour. On bad days He gives more grace. Don't worry about 5 years from now--the Lord may come back in 4!" Also there was another reminder for my heart that despises myself today: "Because of God's grace, it's never too late to become what you might have been. God can redeem our wasted years." Please give me your grace, Lord, minute by minute on this hard day where I need you desperately to remind me that you delight in and cherish me even and especially when I don't like myself at all.
I'll share my follow-up entry on the next day where Jesus did answer my prayer from the day before and did remind me of his love and faithfulness.
A quick follow-up on my very difficult day yesterday. I shared with some dear friends about my day. It's always good to bring our struggles out in the open. We had a very encouraging time encouraging each other as well as praying for each other. I mentioned my difficult time with most decisions--just want to honor you, Lord, with every one. I shared my desire to have more wisdom to know what your will is. Well--amazement again at you, Lord, when I turned on the radio that evening and heard Chip Ingram talking about how to know what God's will is for you. He used the verse Psalm 32:8 which is one I pray all the time--a great promise from Jesus: "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." I'm constantly amazed at how personal you are, Lord. First I had to choose to turn on the radio and not the TV and then you used Chip to speak the exact words that I needed to hear that day! But....You weren't done yet. As I went to bed last night I read in the "God is Faithful" devotional by Larry Burkett and Chuck Bentley. The title was "Be the Best." Larry closed the devotional with "We will function the best when we are where God wants us to be. There's nothing better than that! Find out what you are good at--what you enjoy--be the best you can be--with God's help." Then the verse at the end was.....Psalm 32:8!! Wow, Lord--very simply--you have reminded me again that I need to believe You--believe Your promise to me that you will lead, guide, instruct, and counsel me in the way I should go (in every decision) as I TRUST YOU!!! Thank you, Lord for HOPE today. Life is hard. The battles will continue, but You are always faithful.
So there you have it. I went from despair and weariness to hope once again in my very faithful, loving, and patient Savior. I just want to encourage each of you in your walk with Jesus. Hang tough, keep fighting, persevere, share your heart with Jesus as well as with friends. Read His Word, His precious love letter to you and believe and rest in every one of His many promises not your feelings. Thank God for what you have. Trust Him for what you need. We have a priceless treasure in our Savior. How blessed we are!!!!
"Draw Me Nearer" by Meredith Andrews is the song I chose for you today. I trust that you will feel His nearness and love as you continue to seek Him each day. One of my favorite lines in the song is: "Where you are is where I'm home."
